8w5d

My longest love of my life has betrayed me and it’s beyond devastating.

Food is evil.

It’s just gross. All of it. I’m talking everything I used to call beloved. Burgers, cereal, soup, veggies, Mac n cheese, eggs… Even Chikfila. I think about the food and it’s like I could be thinking about Brussel sprouts (Which are gross – stop lying to yourself, health nuts). 

When I get hungry nothing sounds good. Sometimes I get these little windows of time where something crazy specific sounds tolerable. Like today it was grilled cheese and tomato soup. However it took too long to prepare it and as I sat down to eat it, it immediately turned on me and I couldn’t take a bite. 

The only “food” that hasn’t betrayed me yet is popsickles. Sugar free popsickles. I have kept them down and they make me calm, I’m going through a box a week. It’s not even food but I’m just glad I can get some liquid in me at this point.

I get up to go pee (one of three times I have to through the night…) and as I empty my bladder, the nausea rolls over me every time. It’s bizarre. Most of the night is the worst part of the day for the morning sickness, and rollin into the morning I’m forcing down every spoonful of strawberry yogurt I can muster. That’s all I can take.

It’s obnoxious because I’m not really mad about this total wreck on my day to day eating schedule. How could I be mad when it’s for such a good reason? I ain’t even mad. I’m just so ready for this part to pass. I have taken after my mother in all other pregnancy symptoms and she said that once she hit that second trimester, she felt incredible. She felt beautiful, healthy, happy and excited. I’m guessing this is when that “glow” they’re always talking about kicks in. If so, I’ve got one more month until this magical phase begins.

I started getting some weird intense right kidney pain last night and it’s got me a little worried. It is probably a UTI, but could be a kidney infection or kidney stones – most likely from not consuming sufficient liquids (which is probably true because I don’t exactly drink the 10 gallons of water or whatever they tell me I have to drink in a day). Anyway that’s my current freak out.

Cannot wait for my first ultrasound next Thursday. It’s been really hard to wait, the AF base OB doesn’t do the first one until 9-10 weeks as opposed to most other doctors who go ahead and check in at like 6-8 weeks. But the bright side is that little Stormageddon will have some pretty distinct body features, and will probably be on the monitor looking like a hilarious animal of some kind, I’m excited. Hoping Hubs isn’t on a flight that day and can come too.

For now, it’s couch time – marathoning Parks & Rec cause I miss my friends in Knoxville, and trying to actually drink my liquids. 

Probably in popsickle form.

8w

Im carrying a small human in my body, growing nearly double in size every week and making my body feel things I never thought it could. So in a way, I’m literally never alone. That should be comforting.

My husband tells me daily how amazing it is to him what my body is doing. Providing nutrients for our baby and cradling it in my tummy. A little bit ago, when I was moaning with nausea, he stopped what he was doing and came over to me, kissed me on the forehead and thanked me for what I am going through for this baby to grow. He calls me a trooper. He gets me ice water and popsickles. He indulges my rare cravings. He is so supportive. This should be comforting.

My brother and sister have expressed, in their own ways, their utmost joy at the news of their new niece or nephew’s conception. They text me considerably more regularly than before, asking me how I’m feeling and how baby is. They make this feel real. This should be comforting.

What sucks is at times I don’t feel comforted at all, despite all of this. It’s like if just one other person in my life is less than excited about our new family, I get so depressed about it. To me, selfishly, everyone should be so excited about this news. I know that’s a ridiculous thing to want. It is unrealistic. I have a sister in law who hasn’t spoken to me since we got pregnant, and it actually keeps me up at night. Her selfishness and silence is more hurtful to me than if she called me the ugliest name in the book. Every time I think about that situation, I feel alone in my pregnancy, even though I know that I’m not.

We live 900 miles away from home now, and isolation didn’t bother me that much until I got pregnant. Now, I would die to live in the same city as my family. As my friends. I feel super alone, like it’s just me and baby. This seriously makes no sense. I want to yell at my hormones. These mood swings are so fragile. 

I shudder when I think about the impending deployment coming in September, during my 3rd trimester. I shiver in fear for those nights when I’ll wake up in the middle of the night to baby’s little kicks and not have anyone to share the joy with. It really will be just baby and me, and it makes me cry. Lord help me.

Anyway, this is some insight into these insane hormonal thoughts I’m having.

Adult musings

just a short post to acknowledge that I’ve come to the point where I no longer can tolerate self-serving people in my life.

I had a roommate once who was one of those very bubbly personality types. She was a self-declared “people-pleaser” and that never seemed to sit right with me. She was always very sensitive, but to the point where she made you feel like everything you did was hurting her or making her feel bad. It made me realize those people who compulsively say “I’m sorry” are actually really manipulative. They’re basically making you feel like you put them in the place where they feel the need to “apologize” even if it’s not really an apology, more a victimized compulsive utterance. So living with her and having a bad break from her friendship made me realize what a waste of time it was to cultivate a relationship with a person who ended up blabbing all my private life to anyone who would listen thereafter. Anything for attention.

I don’t have time for self-serving people in my life. I can’t waste time investing into a relationship when the other person is constantly going to pursue being a victim of me. And more on a two-dimensional personality trait level, people who don’t authentically care for other people are a waste of your time. They’re not going to build you up. They’re not going to have your back when it’s hardest for them to do so. That’s who you need to invest in – the person who would be there for you at an expense to themselves. 

If only family were always able to be selfless to each other. This is the exception to the rule. Because the thing is, no matter how selfish they are or how much you disagree, you’re still going to be related tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. I feel like a lot of people don’t grasp that – you can’t un-family somebody. Grudges between family members piss me off so much. It reminds me of my favorite quote about forgiveness:

“Refusing to forgive someone is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

So that leads me to just a general public service announcement: you don’t need 100 friends. In truth, you don’t need 10 friends, if 9 of them are self-serving victimized jerks. Cutting these people out of your life is like pruning away the dead branches so new life can flourish. It will make those people who are worth having around glow even brighter.