Singing to Baby

Here we go

Hold on tight, and don’t let go.

I won’t ever let you fall.

I love the night 

Flying o’er these city lights

But I love you most of all.

Song for Milly Michaelson By Dustin Kensrue

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17w

Good God, round ligament pain.

My stomach looks too small to have a pomegranate sized baby inside it and it’s freaking me out.

Why can’t I feel this thing move?!

Congratulations baby on the proportionate limbs and osscifying bones.

If I sing to you, can you hear me yet?

19 days 17 hours 39 minutes 10 seconds until our gender ultrasound.

I spend a lot of time not sleeping at night and sleeping too easy during the day.

Trying to decide if the snoogle pillow is even helping me with comfort at night or making it worse.

It’s so consistently hot, our A/C unit can’t keep up. It’s always about 6-7 degrees hotter than we have it set to.

I spent an hour today looking at photos of dogs and babies together and crying like a lunatic.

I’m actively mad at my husband right now for not letting me have this golden retriever pup that a couple nearby is trying to rehome. I might not talk to him for a few hours. Yes, I already have two large dogs. Logic be damned.

My Chinese food last night was lackluster and it made me really sad.

Had a ridiculous stinging pain in my right nipple yesterday. Told my mom about it and she gets the same thing, even now. Womanhood is so weird.

Hubs is working in Washington state next week 😥

Oh yeah, and I quit my job.

Being pregnant is awesome.

  

Stretch & Scare

We (I…) had a bit of a scary thing happen the other day. 

I started having a strong, sharp pain on the left side of my abdomen Tuesday afternoon. It started out in one area then felt like it was running from my ribs all the way down to my groin, all along the left side of my abdomen. Honestly started out feeling like a pulled muscle. But it progressively got really intense, hurting whether I was sitting, standing or laying down. 

I really got worried when it began hurting intensely when I urinated. I wasn’t even pushing my urine stream, and it was still a super stabbing pain. It was a constant battle all day of trying to fight off the evil thoughts and stay positive. Since I haven’t felt the baby move yet, it’s hard not to worry something could be wrong. I’ve been dying to be able to feel it move, just so I can have that peace of mind at the very least.

By the end of the night, I was in tears and the pain spiked at about an 8 on a scale of 1-10 when I urinated. I actually have a fairly high pain tolerance, too. Hubs immediately made me lay down and prayed over me. I love when he prays – he has a crazy gifting of faith in chaotic situations that makes me feel so at ease. We prayed that the pain would just melt away in my sleep. I was so scared in the moment I was just bawling. But I was able to fall asleep.

In the morning, the pain was gone. I could tell that I shouldn’t stretch or strain the area still, but I haven’t felt the same pain since. Hoping it was just this muscle that my registered massage therapist friend described that runs along the sides of my abdomen and can get crazy stretched during pregnancy. Over the last week my tummy has gotten a lot more pregnant looking so that would make sense.

Anywho, trying to see that little scare as a teaching moment to stay calm when I don’t know what’s happening, and just trust God’s design for my body. He wouldn’t put my body through something it couldn’t handle. He designed this process to be possible. He made my body to hold and grow my baby. I can do this without fear that I couldn’t manage the process. 

And also to remember that He has gifted me with an unbelievable husband who desires to love me like Jesus and be the best father to this little life that he can be. He’s doing a damn good job so far.

15w4d

Finally truly looks like I’m pregs and not just that I maybe ate a big lunch or haven’t done a crunch since 2010. Belly feels harder and junk. Crazy stretching pains all along the sides of my abdomen pretty much all the time. Getting up is getting difficult. I almost passed out in church this week – I couldn’t get comfortable in the chairs and felt lightheaded, and I feel like there wasn’t adequate oxygen flow in the room. I’m most comfortable sitting/laying at a slight incline with my feet curled up next to me. Also starting to have lower back soreness, and my tailbone randomly started being sensitive to hard surfaces the other day. Pregnancy is weird.

A lot of women say they can feel baby move by this point. It’s supposed to feel like gas, or other bodily functions. How am I supposed to know, then? I haven’t felt anything that I could even question as being baby moving. It’s making me go crazy. At night I’ll like hold my breath and try to concentrate real hard on the area where my belly sticks out the most and wait for some kind of squirming to happen. Nothin yet. Hopefully soon. I wanna feel the nugget in there, as creepy as that thought actually is.

Other than that, I’ve got so much energy and appetite back, relatively. I can actually do things other than couch potato marathon during the day, though afternoon naps are pretty mandatory. And I get hungry for things! Lots of different kinds of foods! I can only eat about half the portion size I would normally eat before pregnancy but I feel healthier because of it. I love salads and fresh fruit. Anything fresh tasting. I had some pesto on a pizza the other day and the basil was so fresh it was amazing. No more nasty greasy food cravings thank God. 

Visiting our hometown has been really sweet, but it’s also made me really sad to have to go back tomorrow. I loved getting loved on my family and friends, it made the pregnancy feel more real to see their excitement. And then just the feeling of community – I miss it so much. We had it in such abundance for so long, and then now we are so isolated out there it feels wrong. I’m glad to have the adventure of somewhere new but there’s just something about Knoxville my heart will always gravitate towards.

Oh, yeah. Won’t find out the gender for another month, this is torture.
  

14w4d

For the past few weeks, hubs and I have fallen asleep both with one hand on my tummy over where baby is growing. He doesn’t say anything usually but I know we are both praying. Sweet prayers and tough prayers. The typical “God let this baby grow healthy and well with no complications.” And also the “Lord we pray against allergies, we pray against asthma, we pray against generational curses and mental disabilities.” Why not be specific? Ask and you shall receive.

A few days ago my friend and I were talking on the phone and she made a great point about parenting. We were discussing the sickness in parents today who are obsessive over their children to the point where they love them more than they love their spouse or the Lord. She said the thing is, the child isn’t yours. It’s God’s. From the moment it’s born, you give it to God. You surrender this baby to God’s will. You trust and you let go. You put aside your narcissism and obsessive love (both natural feelings) and you accept that this human being is going to have his/her own path in life, and his/her own relationship with the Creator. As parents we can influence and nurture as much as we choose, but at the end of the day, free will is a gift given to everyone. 

Last night hubs and I were talking about how neither of us has really gotten any spiritual connection to the baby so far. Contrary to my expectations, I have no idea who I am carrying. I have no clue as to the gender, or anything else. The only connection I have to it is the fact that I know it’s there because of how my body is changing around it. It’s been a little disappointing.

But hubs brought up a good point. Maybe God is guarding us from feeling a spiritual or otherwise connection to emphasize to us that the baby is His. He is gifting us with the beautiful opportunity to love and call it our son or daughter. As I tried to make sense of it in my head, hubs got a great word from the Holy Spirit:

God is the Gardener. He plans it all out and plants the seed, providing it with everything it needs to grow tall and strong, and bring him glory. We are the sun and the soil. We nurture the plant and see that it follows God’s plan for it as best we can. But it’s not our garden. The garden is only there to bring glory to God.

Definitely rang true in our hearts. #parenthoodiscool 

July, 20–

Somehow, for every year of my significant life so far, this month – and specifically, the first week of this month – is always special to me.I say significant year because I feel like life was kind of just a really long fun amusement park ride until the teen years when all of a sudden your heart starts feeling crap and you don’t know what to do with your hair.

This week is possibly my favorite week of the year in some ways. The first week of July. I started dating my hubs back when I was a starry eyed, hopelessly confused 17-year-old this week. It was the week we started hanging out alone, without our friends around. We held hands for the first time. Kissed for the first time. Our dates weren’t even real dates by conventional standards, we were so crazy broke back then we would just go on long drives around town and find beautiful places to stop and just talk for hours. I should also mention this was in the middle of the night, as it was the only time we could see each other. He worked during the day and I had an obnoxiously early curfew. So I would sneak out at around midnight and off we’d go. Those first few nights were just ours, and they were so magical. We would walk around empty parks lit only by the stars, and drive with all the windows down listening to the Kings of Leon on repeat. We’d watch thunderstorms roll in and wait till the very last second to get caught in the rain, just to get soaked in the warmth. And we had big talks. Talks that needed to be talked about. Getting all our junk and dreams out on the table. Becoming vulnerable to another person. To this day, those first few long conversations we had are some of the most significant I’ve ever had with my husband.
The 4th of July that year was the first day that he and I hung out in a group of friends, open about our relationship. It was a big step at the time. And every 4th of July since then we have tried to celebrate big. The next year we went to our favorite hill and watched the fireworks from all around town. Great photos from that one. Further up the hill, a group of dumb kids set fire to the field and we watched them all drive off leaving it to burn. We got up the hill and the fire was a good 20 feet in diameter so we knocked on every door in the huge mansion-like houses nearby and finally got one couple to call the fire department. While we waited out the situation, we had a really significant conversation with the older couple. We were complimenting them on their beautiful big house and they said something I’ll never forget. “We were just like you two, what feels like not so very long ago, though I suppose it was. The dreams you have for your future together right now? Don’t ever give up on them. Don’t let the world get to you and tell you they won’t come true. This house was our first dream, and it finally came true for us. It will for you too.”
Last year might have been my favorite so far. Hubs and I had originally planned for our wedding to be July 5, 2014. Day after our favorite holiday, and day before our official dating anniversary. It was perfect. But Air Force intervened and was like hey, you’re shipping off to Basic Training in February and if you get married now, you guys will get crazy separation pay. So we went from a 9 month engagement to a 6 week one, and got hitched in January. Hubs was then in training for 7 months that year, in Texas. I got to go see him twice – once when he graduated from Basic, and then again in San Antonio for our favorite weekend of the year. 
It was hot and crazy crowded there but such a great trip. We got to watch a huge fireworks show downtown, and everyone just walked out into the street to watch it. We ate really good food too. But the best night was the night of the 5th when we went to this really expensive steak restaurant called Bohannan’s. I’m talking, you take an elevator up to the restaurant fancy. I’m talking the waiter asks you what kind of water you’d like. I’m talking no way in a million years would we seriously be able to afford eating there again. The food was incredible. Best steak I’ve ever had in my life. I wore a really stunning red dress, pearls, and my wedding shoes. We kept getting smiles from other couples. Hubs was in his dress blues. Super romantic, just amazing. I don’t know how to not let the story run on forever so I’ll just cut to the point – someone paid for our entire check. AND THEN someone gave us a $100 gift certificate to the restaurant. AND THEN someone gave hubs a $20 in the bar after dinner. AND THEN the guard at the parking garage let us leave without having to pay for parking. All in all, it was around $400 of blessings we received that night. It was insane. I couldn’t stop crying. We were just speechless. It was so special that on the night we had always planned to get married, this crazy wonderful series of events occurred. It was simply magical.
Every year this week has been like that. A divine appointment, a significant conversation, a seriously magical moment – all memories that just compound upon each other and leave me feeling this … weird … feeling in my heart every time this week rolls around. I started to feel it last night, and I got all emotional and woke Hubs up to talk through some hard feels I was having about missing home. I bawled. Knoxville is where this week was so special for us. It’s so hard right now to not be surrounded by places and people and memories of it all. I know our future is meant to be us out here in these weird places fighting it all out. I know that. I just miss everything, every this week in our past. And it’s obviously hard not to compare and worry that this year won’t be as special as any of the ones before.
But still, I have this weird wonderful feeling in my heart this week. Every song I hear all of a sudden is telling the same story. The smells outside are making me catch odd intangible memories from years ago I didn’t know I had. I look at my husband and see not just his face but every day of our life together for the past 6 years. I see his boyish 19-year-old smile. I see the fireworks’ light flashing colors of red and blue in his eyes. I hear cicadas. I see every star in the sky. I love this country a little stronger. I appreciate his sacrifice a little more. And I feel a love unlike any I could have for another person, or place. Because it’s like the love of home – it’s not necessarily one place or one house that you miss – it’s an ever-evolving, formless sense of completion and promise. 
That’s my love for him. And it is just multiplied and magnified every year, this first week of July.