39w4d

Lost: my ankles. Last seen about a week ago, between my feet and my calves. Pale-colored, bony, bendable. Cannot seem to locate. In distress.

The pressure is on, folks. She’s due on Friday. It will be 2016 on Friday. We’ve been praying for months for a 2015 baby. Multiple reasons, most important one being that our girl’s godparents are currently visiting us from Alabama and we would love for them to experience her birth with us before they leave on Friday. Godmama is 14 weeks pregnant with a little lady of her own as well, so it would be fantastic to be able to share this with her. I believe that God is good, His timing is holy and perfect, He answers prayers and keeps promises. But every morning I wake up without labor starting, it gets harder to keep that faith. Thank goodness for my husband, and his trusting heart.

We’ve tried spicy food, oregano & basil, red raspberry leaf tea, foot massages, hand massages, hot baths, bouncing on the exercise ball, walking, sledding, singing loudly, begging, bribing, and a healthy dose of marital bedroom relations. Nothing seems to make this girl wanna come out before her due date. I swear if my father-in-law says “Babies come when babies come” to me one more time, I’m gonna blow a gasket.

I know he’s right. At the end of the day, there’s nothing I can do to really control when our daughter chooses to join us (apart from actual induction, which we vehemently want to avoid unless absolutely necessary). But literally as I was typing this paragraph I received texts from 2 different people asking “Is she here yet?!” And I’m sent into anxious mode.

Man these last days are no joke! Emotions all over the place. Lots of last minute preparations. I have my post partum pads and granny panties. We installed the car seat. I got my nails done (for the first time since my wedding, if that is any indicator to how often I get myself pampered like this). I keep mentally repeating to myself I’m ready, we’re ready, I’m ready, we’re ready, COME OUT ALREADY!

Sweet Adelaide, I want you to come when you’re ready. I know the Lord’s timing is outside of my understanding, and I trust it. I trust that for whatever reason, you want to cook just a little longer. Just know your momma and daddy are dying to meet you, so that may make us a little impatient. Waiting for the best gift ever is not easy! We’re just ready for our lives to be changed, forever. Please come soon, dear one. I really want my ankles back.

Christmas in Snomaha

Woke up early this morning and knew we must have had snow. There’s a different kind of light from through the shades when it snows, it’s a blueish white light, and it’s brighter than mornings usually are. It’s like nature goes “Quick! Wake up and enjoy this white blanket of beauty before it gets touched!”

I smiled, checked my phone and indeed we were having snowfall last night into this morning. I rolled over, grunting and huffing with the weight of my 39-week belly, and caressed my dear husband’s face in the pale blue light. He made a sweet sound and turned his body toward me, nuzzling his head into my arm. I kept petting his hair for a while, and the thought occurred to me that these are the last few days I’ll ever have him totally to myself, without our children demanding his or my attention. I got suddenly sweetly jealous, but the feeling was quickly overwhelmed by the warm sensation of total adoration for this man I have chosen to live my life with.

Without opening his eyes, he mumbles, “You know what’s the most reassuring thing to me?” “Hmm?” I mutter. “That you look at me the same way I look at you.”

Today we’ve had a most welcome snow day. Our dogs have had the time of their lives romping around in the perfect white 6 inches outside. We took them on a long walk, which left me rather embarrassingly winded, and hubs started working on a big luge track in our backyard hill. Unfortunately due to the snow being a total surprise and the roads not being treated, we’ll have to skip the Christmas Eve service at church and our annual tradition of hibachi dinner. 

Something tells me though, that God has a very sweet, significant evening and first Christmas Day away from home & family planned for us. His plans are always better than ours anyway. While we wait not-so-patiently for the arrival of our favorite Christmas present to join us, I know He will continue to fill these moments with glorious meaning, and that this will be a time in our lives we will never forget.

  

37w

Just an update, more for myself as a personal journal entry than anything, feel free to be too bored to read 😉

Doozy of a week! Started out with the aftermath of some truly psycho emotional struggles that finally fizzled out, and thank God I’m back to being mostly sane again. 

Then my body started really feeling 9 months pregnant. Had some intense cramping, soreness, what felt like contractions (?) that all kept me up at night, struggling to be mobile. It’s like all of a sudden my body was compensating for having a ton of extra weight put on, and man it hurt. Thankfully I’ve gotten used to it or something, and I’m feeling less physically strained for now, at least.

I had a “contraction” in the middle of the video game aisle at Target which was pretty funny. I put it in quotes because I really don’t know for 100% sure what a real contraction feels like, as this is my first pregnancy, so I have to assume they’re either just the Braxton-Hicks practice contractions, or maybe even not a contraction at all. Anyway, my whole tummy got crazy hard and started feeling like it was squeezing up, and my lower back nearly gave out on me in front of the Nintendo 3DS display. Lasted about 20 seconds. Not too bad. Hubs got a little freaked out about how funny I thought it was.

The Ob still hasn’t checked my progress because she says I don’t “look like” I’ve been in enough pain to have had any labor progress yet. Ok. I mean I’m 37 weeks pregnant, most women are told by now if they have any dilation or effacement, and I just happen to have a high pain tolerance anyway, but ok.

Bad acid reflux today. It was the Chinese food, I know. But it tastes so delicious and gosh dangit I still have leftovers that I fully intend on indulging in for dinner tonight. So it will likely be another long night of heartburn and nausea. Worth it, maybe.

Had a pretty sucky thing happen in the grocery store the other day. I was struggling to lift this 50lb bag of dog food into my cart (yeah I know, I’m a feeble pregnant woman who shouldn’t be trying to lift anything heavier than a Boppy pillow, so sue me) and this guy in the aisle, obviously noticing that I’m struggling, hastily grabs his bag of dog food and books it away from me like I’m a dang time bomb. Like…really, guy? The sight of a 9 month pregnant lady made you feel so awkward that you couldn’t find it in yourself to help her, let alone be in the same vicinity as her? Add that with the multiple eyerolls and sighs of exasperation thrown at me by impatient Sheila’s and Nancy’s who couldn’t handle waiting for me to get out of their way with my too-heavy shopping cart, and it was just about the most embarrassing grocery trip I’ve ever had. It made me miss the South, with its quirky but warm hospitality and charm. People don’t act like this there. They actively show care and concern for their fellow man in public, certainly to a pregnant woman. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not one to feel entitled to special treatment just because I’m carrying a baby. Heck, I don’t even park in the designated pregnant lady spots in the parking lot. But even if I wasn’t pregnant, I would expect at least some amount of sympathy for practically falling over while trying to lift a 50lb bag of dog food into my shopping cart. Alright, alright, rant over.

Getting close to Christmas and I’m definitely missing home. This will be our first holiday season away from friends and family. Still processing it emotionally, but I’m sure it will be sweet, regardless of the homesickness. And hopefully we’ll have our special gift arrive early, in time for Christmas 🙂 (fingers crossed!)

P.S. We finished the nursery! Will write a detailed post with photos soon.

36w

Being a woman, I’ve always been at least somewhat of an emotional person. Emotions have tended to direct my actions and decisions since adolescence. Thankfully with age, some of the “crazy” has subsided a little, while other craziness has taken over (ex. the uncontrollable desire to adopt every dog I see, to the point of tears). But throughout this whole pregnancy, I hadn’t fully tapped into the insane pregnancy-related emotionality I’ve heard so much about … until this week.

I expected it sooner, to be honest. I expected to be a sopping mess from day 1. Certainly to at least feel a little out of control by half way through the pregnancy. And lord, by that 3rd trimester, I’d be a goner. But it crept up on me. Sneakily. When I had gotten to the point where I decided I was just going to finish this thing out totally well-adjusted, it hit me all at once. The feels.

Yesterday I was beebopping around on my phone before hubs and I were going to go grab some dinner. I came upon a video on Facebook titled “Dogs know their owners’ hearts.” Do not watch this video if you are easily moved. Without going into details (because if I do, I’ll likely lose my mind again) it was essentially a video about organ donation featuring an elderly gentleman and his faithful canine companion. Set aside the fact that the background music was the score from Disney/Pixar’s Up (like seriously, take me out of the oven, I’m done…), the video just pulled all the most intense heartstrings possible and by the end of it, I was actively sobbing. Not like sniff sniff sobbing. I’m talkin boo-hoo, hyperventilating, snot running from my nose, uncontrollable, irrational sobbing. 

My husband ran into the room totally freaking out, thinking something truly terrible had happened. After grasping my breath a bit, I was able to sputter out what I watched and went on a tirade about dogs and the elderly and the baby and friendship and love and everything my crazy emotional brain spat out in the moment that was making me so insanely upset. I was just so intensely sad, I couldn’t calm myself down from it. Even in the moment, I’m sure it was truly comical to see me falling apart like that, but hubs just sat down behind me and rubbed my back and took my reaction seriously. That couldn’t have been easy. Bless him.

Since that incident, my emotions have been off the charts, bouncing off the walls, every color of the rainbow. I feel so sensitive to everything, in a way I haven’t felt since I was a fragile teen. The tiniest statement or event can set me off or break me down. Like right now I’m festering over a text from a close friend who asked me, “So are they going to induce you soon or what?” I’m not totally irrational, I know she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but holy cow those words hit me like a train!

I’m a crazy pregnant woman. I feel large and unattractive. I feel out of control. I feel terrified. I have never felt so vulnerable, in every sense of the word, in my entire life.

I’m accepting this is just where I’m at right now, and it’s okay. My emotions are silly, and someday I’ll be able to laugh this all off. What I’m going through is not abnormal, but it’s not stupid. It’s not nothing, but it’s only temporary.

So while I stand in front of my mirror for the dozenth time today, grieving for the once-thin form that used to stand there and wondering if I’ll ever see it again, I’m determined to let myself feel whatever it is that I am going to feel. To find peace with it, not to fight it. I’ve got a month left to be pregnant, and there’s much worse things that I could be going through than having a fragile heart.

“This too shall pass…”