Being a woman, I’ve always been at least somewhat of an emotional person. Emotions have tended to direct my actions and decisions since adolescence. Thankfully with age, some of the “crazy” has subsided a little, while other craziness has taken over (ex. the uncontrollable desire to adopt every dog I see, to the point of tears). But throughout this whole pregnancy, I hadn’t fully tapped into the insane pregnancy-related emotionality I’ve heard so much about … until this week.
I expected it sooner, to be honest. I expected to be a sopping mess from day 1. Certainly to at least feel a little out of control by half way through the pregnancy. And lord, by that 3rd trimester, I’d be a goner. But it crept up on me. Sneakily. When I had gotten to the point where I decided I was just going to finish this thing out totally well-adjusted, it hit me all at once. The feels.
Yesterday I was beebopping around on my phone before hubs and I were going to go grab some dinner. I came upon a video on Facebook titled “Dogs know their owners’ hearts.” Do not watch this video if you are easily moved. Without going into details (because if I do, I’ll likely lose my mind again) it was essentially a video about organ donation featuring an elderly gentleman and his faithful canine companion. Set aside the fact that the background music was the score from Disney/Pixar’s Up (like seriously, take me out of the oven, I’m done…), the video just pulled all the most intense heartstrings possible and by the end of it, I was actively sobbing. Not like sniff sniff sobbing. I’m talkin boo-hoo, hyperventilating, snot running from my nose, uncontrollable, irrational sobbing.
My husband ran into the room totally freaking out, thinking something truly terrible had happened. After grasping my breath a bit, I was able to sputter out what I watched and went on a tirade about dogs and the elderly and the baby and friendship and love and everything my crazy emotional brain spat out in the moment that was making me so insanely upset. I was just so intensely sad, I couldn’t calm myself down from it. Even in the moment, I’m sure it was truly comical to see me falling apart like that, but hubs just sat down behind me and rubbed my back and took my reaction seriously. That couldn’t have been easy. Bless him.
Since that incident, my emotions have been off the charts, bouncing off the walls, every color of the rainbow. I feel so sensitive to everything, in a way I haven’t felt since I was a fragile teen. The tiniest statement or event can set me off or break me down. Like right now I’m festering over a text from a close friend who asked me, “So are they going to induce you soon or what?” I’m not totally irrational, I know she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but holy cow those words hit me like a train!
I’m a crazy pregnant woman. I feel large and unattractive. I feel out of control. I feel terrified. I have never felt so vulnerable, in every sense of the word, in my entire life.
I’m accepting this is just where I’m at right now, and it’s okay. My emotions are silly, and someday I’ll be able to laugh this all off. What I’m going through is not abnormal, but it’s not stupid. It’s not nothing, but it’s only temporary.
So while I stand in front of my mirror for the dozenth time today, grieving for the once-thin form that used to stand there and wondering if I’ll ever see it again, I’m determined to let myself feel whatever it is that I am going to feel. To find peace with it, not to fight it. I’ve got a month left to be pregnant, and there’s much worse things that I could be going through than having a fragile heart.
“This too shall pass…”