How soon after finding out you’re pregnant are you supposed to fully believe that you’re pregnant?
I’m lounging in our art room with the window open, watching my neighbors across the street having a triple family playdate with at least 5 kids ages infant to 6 years or so. And I’m thinking to myself this is going to be me soon. It’s finally happening. A real baby is growing inside me RIGHT NOW! But for whatever reason, it’s not really sinking in. Like every 15 minutes or so I have to remind myself that I’m pregnant.
Part of it has to be that it was unexpected. Yeah we’re actively trying but between getting a new job, drama in the family, my best friend coming to visit and some weird left pelvic pain I was having a couple weeks ago I had pretty much decided it wasn’t going to happen this month. And for the first time since we started trying to conceive, I was calm. I had absolutely no anxiety about timing, about “the plan,” about not being pregnant… nothing. I was so chill. I had even decided I wasn’t even going to think about taking a pregnancy test unless I missed my period by more than one day.
Yet yesterday morning as I was laying in bed half awake half asleep, the inkling creeped into my head that I should just take a test that morning. I brushed it off initially like a ladybug crawling on my shoulder. But I kept feeling the urge to take one; void of any anxiety or worry, not even curiousity really. Just an inkling. So I peed on a stick, went to take my dogs outside and came back to the bathroom nonchalant and unexpecting as could be.
I swear it took me 30 seconds to even see there were two pink lines. And even when I saw the two pink lines, I looked at the dang directions to make sure I wasn’t kidding myself. My eyes darted from the test to the directions and back for a good bit while my brain played catch-up. To this moment I only like 83% believe this is happening. And even though I started hyperventalating and bawling my eyes out, it still hadn’t hit me. I’m pregnant!
I tried to take a video of my reaction on my phone, and its just sobby gibberish. I’m sure my child will find it horrifyingly embarrassing someday. I calmed down somewhat and tried to figure out what I needed to do. I planned how I would do a surprise reveal to my husband weeks ago, so I went about getting everything I needed ready for when he came home later that day.
Time seemed to go by incredibly slow, and I kept feeling like there was something I needed to text my friends/family, so I would instinctively reach for my phone but then realize I had to wait. Hubs needed to find out first, then we could decide when and how to tell family.
Hubs’ mom told his dad she was pregnant with a rubber duck back in the day, and it’s been the iconic symbol for their family and becoming pregnant. So I knew I would need to incorporate that into his reveal somehow. I got this inflatable duck baby bath at Target and put it in the bathtub with balloons attached to it, the pregnancy test inside, a note for daddy-to-be and a pair of little baby booties with duckies on them that my mom found on clearance ages ago. On his card on the front was a word cloud of all his nicknames over the years, and inside it said “Da-da… new nickname activates January 2016!” Pretty clever on my part I must say.
So when he got home, there was a note by the front door (and the garage door too just in case and would you know it? that’s how he came in, go figure) that said “rub a dub dub.” When he came inside I started playing Knocked Up by the Kings of Leon from the bathroom so he’d know to go in there, and I hid in the room adjacent to it. I set up the ipad to catch his face when he opened the shower curtain, and I videoed from my phone as well, coming in behind him.
Hubs’ reaction was priceless. He screamed, and started laughing – he got his huge smile on his face that I don’t think has left it since. “Really?! Really?! You’re serious!? AHHHAAA!” Got it all on video, so precious.
I think because I was so caught up in making the surprise work, I didn’t really let his reaction sink in and let it hit me that I’m pregnant and this is my baby’s daddy. Even then, it still hadn’t hit me. After the initial OH MY GOD moment had worn off, we had no idea what to do with our day other than call family and important friends and spill the beans. I knew we wouldnt be able to wait, it’s our first pregnancy.
It was fun to hear everyone’s reactions. Some people were more like “Am I supposed to be surprised?” while others were (thankfully) more “Oh my GOD. OH my God. This is AWESOME!” You’ll get the full gambit from the people you tell, everyone is different. Most people just don’t know how to react, so they will react poorly. One thing I learned from yesterday is to not let your own happiness and excitement be dictated by your friends’ and family’s reaction.
So now I’m over a day later and still trying to convince myself there’s a rapidly-growing zygote in my uterus that will likely develop into an infant. It’s kind of one of the biggest things in life I’ve been looking forward to, and it still hasn’t hit me. A friend of mine said it will sink in once I start vomiting in a couple weeks. I think that’s probably true.
So far I’ve just had pretty consistent light cramping, breast pain and some food aversions. I am craving ice cream and pickles, though I don’t know if that’s any different from non-pregnant me. I’m also craving mexican food, yogurt and ice water. I actually dreamt about ice water last night haha. I should start a dream journal.
So when is it supposed to sink in? When will this hit me? It hit my husband the first time he said “I’m gonna be a dad!” I think it is hitting me lightly in small spaced-out doses. Like when I took a second test and the pink line was even darker. Or when I calculated that my due date will be January 1, 2016 (please come early! We need the tax break!) Or when my dad told me “You’re going to be a great mom.” And maybe that is just how it will come to me, in small significant moments over the next 9 months of my life. It will come in faint quick little heart beats on my first ultrasound. In peppermint tea when I’m too nauseous to stand. In stretch marks on my tummy and lower back pain. In tiny kicks on my ribcage. In choosing a name for my first born child.
I’m honored. That’s a much better way to describe this feeling than “excited.” I am so honored.
eta January 1st, 2016