2 mos pp 

I hate to start a blog post with “I haven’t posted in a while…” but there’s no way around it. I haven’t posted in a while. I gave myself a 2 month hiatus while I have adjusted to this completely different life I now lead called motherhood. 

I knew I would want some time off from blogging in this short time with my newborn and husband before he deployed 2 days ago. Now that he’s gone and my dear daughter is beginning to show glorious signs of a real sleep schedule, I think I am ready to get back in the swing of things.

I have so much to share. From her birth story to first days, early weeks of sleep deprivation, spit up being a part of every outfit, dancing to the sound of the furnace, baby products I can’t live without, baby products I shouldn’t have wasted my money on, and so many moments in between that I could have never imagined would make me so unbelievably happy.

I’m now officially a Mom Blogger, y’all.

And now, introducing my beautiful muse: Adelaide River.

  

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A Year in the Land of Omaha

One year ago today, my best friend and I packed up our car and made the 900 mile drive across the country to our first new home here in Bellevue, Nebraska. 
I didn’t know anyone, we had to Google Maps our way through town for several months (still do some days), and we had to sleep on the floor for the first month until our stuff finally arrived (probably one of the best months of our marriage, hands down).

Moving is scary. Change is not always fun. Happy as I was to finally be reunited with my husband after 7 months of Air Force training, the idea of moving somewhere so unknown was difficult to swallow. Moving here was our last choice. Who wants to live in Nebraska? What even is there to do in the middle of cornland? It’s a good day’s drive from anyone I know in any direction. Truly isolated. Altogether unnerving. And for that 14 hour drive away from home, friends & comfort, Nebraska was scary.

But this is home now, and it isn’t scary. This isn’t where we fell in love but love led us here. This isn’t where family is, but we’re making a new one.

I’ve learned that big changes don’t seem so intimidating when you have someone to share them with. I’ve learned a whole new way to love and be loved by my husband. I’ve learned how to take that step of faith when God leads us to, trusting that He has always had our best interests at heart, even when it doesn’t seem to fit “our plan.”

Thinking back on my thoughts driving with Drew in the car that day, listening to Harry Potter on audiobook, watching the southeast horizon fade away behind us in the rear view mirror… How proud I am of the home we have made here, the year we have lived here, and the beautiful life that will be with us here soon.

Here’s to a great 2nd year living “The Good Life” in cornland.
“Cause we’d be so free, Happy alone, Sharing a smile, So far from home.”

22w6d

Havent posted in a while cause things have started to settle and nothing much to report. But, journaling is healthy. 

Baby kicks. So hard. Wakes me up sometimes. This week she’s practicing her flips and tumbles. One second I’ll feel her kicks on one side of my stomach, and the next second she’s totally upside down kicking me on another side of my tummy. Crazy crazy kid in there. Future gymnast for sure.

Really hoping my belly gets more round and big for our maternity photos and baby shower later this month back in Knoxville. I ordered a couple cheap maternity dresses online and I want them to look like they fit correctly. My tummy is kind of lumpy/weird right now. I had a belly fat roll before pregnancy that I think is making the stretching process a little weird. Oddly thankful for it though, because it’s keeping me from developing an outie belly button, which I think are totally gross.

So yes, we have another trip to Knoxville planned. Originally just to do photography for a friend’s wedding, Drew was going to be deployed at this time but it got moved to March YAY, but now we’re making it a joint babymoon/wedding/friend’s graduation/baby shower/last visit for a very very long time. Going to spend a couple nights in Asheville, NC at our honeymoon hotel for a short babymoon getaway. Cannot wait. 

So weird to think that this time last year I was busy packing and preparing for our move out here. I had no idea what to expect, my life was going to get a complete makeover. It’s been a really full year. Stressing over training my dog to a new yard, learning to navigate a new city, being 900 miles from home, how was I to know that just one year later I would be 5 months pregnant with our first daughter?

I really miss home. But I know by now it would be driving me crazy if we’d never left. If it weren’t for my husband’s sacrifices we wouldn’t have a house, two wonderful dogs, job security, a decent income, and a future to feel safe about. I guess I sacrificed some comforts for this too. But it doesn’t seem like a sacrifice when you’re doing it for someone you love.

Like my changing body. I don’t really grumble about these stretch marks, or aches and pains. The fact that my body will never look or feel the same after this pregnancy isn’t really a problem for me. Because I’m doing it for her. Labor? Yeah that will suck. But I’m not mad. I don’t resent her, or our decision to be parents just because it’s going to physically hurt. Because it’s for her. And it’s all to bring glory to her Creator, who is insanely awesome.

I wanna take baby T to the Smokey Mountains when we’re in Knoxville. She’s not born, I know. But there’s a spiritual connection I have there that she’s gotta feel. The waters will be warm and the air won’t be too stifling or humid. I have this spot I want to take her that’s a small secluded waterfall off a pretty common trail that isn’t too well known. And just sit there and breathe and pray. And see if God has anything new to tell me about her. 

We haven’t named her yet, and we probably won’t anytime soon. We have a few names on the table, but no certain feelings about any of them. I’m comfortable with that. Her name just isn’t important right now.

It’s weird once you get past the excitement of learning the gender, how things just start to settle and stagnate. Her little movements are so common to me now, I’m not squealing and grabbing my husband’s hand to feel every little nudge. I’ve gotten about as far on the nursery as we can right now – we have a crib and a changing table dresser, repainted with new knobs, and most of her clothes and things we’ve picked up are organized. I have a couple projects to work on, but for the most part I have to keep reminding myself that there’s no rush. I’m barely over halfway there. We have so much time to paint and decorate and plan. And that’s a little overwhelming. I feel her, I know it’s a her, and I can’t fathom having to wait another four months to meet her now that it’s taken this long. My future pregnancies probably won’t feel this slow, but this is like glacier-slow. I need more hobbies.

Wow tangents on tangents on tangents. What a weird post, Molls. Way to just stick to your insane pregnancy brain stream of consciousness. You know actually, this post is a pretty accurate depiction of where my brain is at these days. Kind of all over the place, but in a settled kind of way.

So now to close, I’m going to sit here and think of all the things I would want to eat right now. Enjoy.

Oreo mint milkshake. Five Guys cheese burger. Lomein noodles. McDonald’s fries dipped in a Wendy’s frosty. Banana bread. Corn on the cob. Cookie dough cheesecake. Eggrolls. Super crunch sushi roll from Surin in Knoxville. Watermelon slushie. Caesar salad from Newk’s. Biscuits and honey. 

Ok… I’m starving now.

4w

How soon after finding out you’re pregnant are you supposed to fully believe that you’re pregnant?

I’m lounging in our art room with the window open, watching my neighbors across the street having a triple family playdate with at least 5 kids ages infant to 6 years or so. And I’m thinking to myself this is going to be me soon. It’s finally happening. A real baby is growing inside me RIGHT NOW! But for whatever reason, it’s not really sinking in. Like every 15 minutes or so I have to remind myself that I’m pregnant.

Part of it has to be that it was unexpected. Yeah we’re actively trying but between getting a new job, drama in the family, my best friend coming to visit and some weird left pelvic pain I was having a couple weeks ago I had pretty much decided it wasn’t going to happen this month. And for the first time since we started trying to conceive, I was calm. I had absolutely no anxiety about timing, about “the plan,” about not being pregnant… nothing. I was so chill. I had even decided I wasn’t even going to think about taking a pregnancy test unless I missed my period by more than one day.

Yet yesterday morning as I was laying in bed half awake half asleep, the inkling creeped into my head that I should just take a test that morning. I brushed it off initially like a ladybug crawling on my shoulder. But I kept feeling the urge to take one; void of any anxiety or worry, not even curiousity really. Just an inkling. So I peed on a stick, went to take my dogs outside and came back to the bathroom nonchalant and unexpecting as could be.

I swear it took me 30 seconds to even see there were two pink lines. And even when I saw the two pink lines, I looked at the dang directions to make sure I wasn’t kidding myself. My eyes darted from the test to the directions and back for a good bit while my brain played catch-up. To this moment I only like 83% believe this is happening. And even though I started hyperventalating and bawling my eyes out, it still hadn’t hit me. I’m pregnant!

I tried to take a video of my reaction on my phone, and its just sobby gibberish. I’m sure my child will find it horrifyingly embarrassing someday. I calmed down somewhat and tried to figure out what I needed to do. I planned how I would do a surprise reveal to my husband weeks ago, so I went about getting everything I needed ready for when he came home later that day.

Time seemed to go by incredibly slow, and I kept feeling like there was something I needed to text my friends/family, so I would instinctively reach for my phone but then realize I had to wait. Hubs needed to find out first, then we could decide when and how to tell family.

Hubs’ mom told his dad she was pregnant with a rubber duck back in the day, and it’s been the iconic symbol for their family and becoming pregnant. So I knew I would need to incorporate that into his reveal somehow. I got this inflatable duck baby bath at Target and put it in the bathtub with balloons attached to it, the pregnancy test inside, a note for daddy-to-be and a pair of little baby booties with duckies on them that my mom found on clearance ages ago. On his card on the front was a word cloud of all his nicknames over the years, and inside it said “Da-da… new nickname activates January 2016!” Pretty clever on my part I must say.

So when he got home, there was a note by the front door (and the garage door too just in case and would you know it? that’s how he came in, go figure) that said “rub a dub dub.” When he came inside I started playing Knocked Up by the Kings of Leon from the bathroom so he’d know to go in there, and I hid in the room adjacent to it. I set up the ipad to catch his face when he opened the shower curtain, and I videoed from my phone as well, coming in behind him.

Hubs’ reaction was priceless. He screamed, and started laughing – he got his huge smile on his face that I don’t think has left it since. “Really?! Really?! You’re serious!? AHHHAAA!” Got it all on video, so precious.

I think because I was so caught up in making the surprise work, I didn’t really let his reaction sink in and let it hit me that I’m pregnant and this is my baby’s daddy. Even then, it still hadn’t hit me. After the initial OH MY GOD moment had worn off, we had no idea what to do with our day other than call family and important friends and spill the beans. I knew we wouldnt be able to wait, it’s our first pregnancy.

It was fun to hear everyone’s reactions. Some people were more like “Am I supposed to be surprised?” while others were (thankfully) more “Oh my GOD. OH my God. This is AWESOME!” You’ll get the full gambit from the people you tell, everyone is different. Most people just don’t know how to react, so they will react poorly. One thing I learned from yesterday is to not let your own happiness and excitement be dictated by your friends’ and family’s reaction.

So now I’m over a day later and still trying to convince myself there’s a rapidly-growing zygote in my uterus that will likely develop into an infant. It’s kind of one of the biggest things in life I’ve been looking forward to, and it still hasn’t hit me. A friend of mine said it will sink in once I start vomiting in a couple weeks. I think that’s probably true.

So far I’ve just had pretty consistent light cramping, breast pain and some food aversions. I am craving ice cream and pickles, though I don’t know if that’s any different from non-pregnant me. I’m also craving mexican food, yogurt and ice water. I actually dreamt about ice water last night haha. I should start a dream journal.

So when is it supposed to sink in? When will this hit me? It hit my husband the first time he said “I’m gonna be a dad!” I think it is hitting me lightly in small spaced-out doses. Like when I took a second test and the pink line was even darker. Or when I calculated that my due date will be January 1, 2016 (please come early! We need the tax break!) Or when my dad told me “You’re going to be a great mom.” And maybe that is just how it will come to me, in small significant moments over the next 9 months of my life. It will come in faint quick little heart beats on my first ultrasound. In peppermint tea when I’m too nauseous to stand. In stretch marks on my tummy and lower back pain. In tiny kicks on my ribcage. In choosing a name for my first born child.

I’m honored. That’s a much better way to describe this feeling than “excited.” I am so honored.

~Baby Tolar~
eta January 1st, 2016

Left side strong side

we had a bit of a scare this week when last Wednesday evening I started having a sharp pinching pain on the left side of my abdomen below my navel. I’ve never had any pains down in my lady organ area so I was a little concerned, especially because I’m in my fertile window and if there was something wrong, could we not get pregnant if there was?

I don’t know how many times I had to repeat the phrase “pinching pain in my left pelvic area” to nurses, receptionists, doctors, etc. Since my husband is in the military, I have to go to the base hospital for my primary care which sometimes is a pain because you can never get seen when you need it. When the pain got to the point when I was getting real worried, we went to the ER at a closer hospital that I really like. We went there last fall when I had massive hives all over my body and face from an allergic reaction to our laundry detergent. (Go figure). But of course we got there too late in the evening to schedule an ultrasound until the next morning.

Got my ultrasound and they couldn’t give me the results until they were faxed to my primary care physician. So I called the base clinic and had to leave a message. They never called me back and I had to wait the whole weekend until my appointment on Monday to hear that it came back normal anyway. But over the weekend I just got to the point where I was sick of letting it get to me, and I just chose to ignore the pain. My husband and I continued to do the baby dance and remain confident. We got a lot of house work done and cleaning in preparation for Bee to come visit this week (!!!). 

And now I’m not really feeling any pain at all (besides the residing discomfort from having to get a Pap smear :(. So my best guess is it was a minor ovarian cyst. Nothing to get my panties in a twist about.

Fertile window is over now and we feel pretty confident. But after this left side pain fiasco, I don’t think I’m too worried about whether I’m pregnant or not, at least not as stressed as last month. 

We switched our lubricant to Pre-Seed, which is safe for sperm when trying to conceive. It’s remarkably good lube, and even though it’s a little expensive, I have read that many couples are successful after even the first month of using it.

The two week wait will be easier having Bee here for most of it! We have lots of restaurants we want to take her, and the weather is perfect for spending time outside. I have some gardening to do and we are installing hammock posts in the backyard this week. And she’s bringing Noodle with her so my girls will enjoy having another fur friend around.

In general I feel a lot more upbeat than I did last week.